Welcome to my weekly Bridge column, a treatise on the (in my opinion) only true card game. I was confronted with a truly astounding situation at the Local Legion last friday night that I simply must share with other Bridge afficianados. I was North, partnered with Archibald Fanducci, a known gambler and poor card player, in the South. We were pitted against the vivacious Betty Anderson, my cousin's mother-in-law and local gossip, in the East and Robert Kaufman, my local banker who delights in busting my balls over my overdue mortgage, rounding the foursome out in the West. The following hand was dealt and lead to a very interesting situation that I'm sure will pique your interest as it did mine:

I opened the bidding with 2 Hearts, disclosing my Ace to Archie. Betty in the East would pass and Archie would respond with 3 Clubs. Which, in hindsight would prove a less than perfect bid and had the possibility of being fatal to our contract. West passes. I then bid 3 Spades. Archie responded with 5 Spades. Which, again in hindsight, was less than perfect. Of course, I was completely in the dark, I thought Archie had some respect for the game. Accordingly I respond with 6 Spades and Archie agrees, the bidding ends.

Archie then lays out his hand. I look down. And then up at Archie. Wherein lies the interesting situation, as I recognize that the opening would make or break this hand. It was a hard decision to make given the total derth of points in Archie's hand, and I was a little shocked. Which Archie exasperated by saying "Graham, you look a little shocked". So I thought about it and then made my play.

So I made my play. I said to Archie, putting a little pique in my voice to get the point across "You sand-bagging son-of-a-bitch!" and leapt across the table, pushing Archie's chair to the ground, spitting "Who's shocked now you demented man?"

With Archie now down on the Legion floor I attempted to explain the intricacies of this great game called Bridge. I say (with my voice a little raised to make my point): "Fanducci, you wouldn't know a bridge hand if it walked up and slapped you in the face. You don't even have enough points to open, let alone make a bid of 5 Spades. You are completely worthless as an individual. Just like your father before you. 5 Spades? Show some respect. "

I then sat down at the table and finished my tall gin and tonic, wished Betty a pleasant night and reconfirmed our plans to meet for drinks at the Bacchi Ball Club on thursday evening. I shook Rob Kaufman's hand, and after kicking Archie one more time in the ribs on the way by, wished him good night as well, thanking my lucky stars I had avoided another of his 'your mortgage payment is late' speeches.

Stay tuned for next weeks article, as I am planning to make this a weekly column.