The world could only look and weep as the power-couple that was Kevin Federline and Britney Spears chose different paths through this vale of tears called life. It was like a cloud had decended upon popular culture, a cloud that would not soon be lifted. However, what came as a shock to the world did not come as a shock to the lawyers involved. They had drafted an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement between the superstars. Here, for the first time, are excerpts of that agreement, an agreement which shows that K-Fed had only the best interest of the children, and not himself, in mind when it was drafted:

Clause I (Recognition of the Federline Family Roots)

Section 1(1): In order that the children understand thier roots, twice a year the children must be taken on a tour of a trailer park.

Section 2(1): On Christmases when the children are with Ms Spears, the Spears family must hire an actor to play Santa Claus.

Section 2(2) This actor must drink Colt 45 until drunk and stumbling, at which point he must barge in on the sleeping children and, in full Santa Cosutme, awake them with shouts of "You'll never amount to anything. Christmas is Cancelled". The Santa must ensure to breathe profusely on the children while he speaks.

Section 2(3) Ms Spears must then pawn the children's presents and purchase Jack Daniels. Ms Spears will then leave the half empty bottle by the actor, who will be placed under the tree for the children to see upon waking.

Section 2(4): Every year on the day of Mr. Federline's birth, the children shall wear over-alls for the duration of the day.

Clause II (Fashion)

Section 1: Both parties recognize that this clause is a foundational clause of this agreement. Any clause in conflict with this section is of no force or effect.

Section 2(1): The children will at no time be allowed to wear clothes that "fit" or are "sized to their figure" nor any garment that has been "tailored to exact measurement"

Section 2(2): Ms Spears shall hire an 'executive assitant' for each child who will be responsible for ensuring that all baseball caps are worn at a 30 degree angle. No more, no less.

Section 2(3) Upon awaking each day, Ms Spears will show the children pictures of Mr Federline's wardrobe. Mr Federline will provide, once a year, a book of clothing he has personally picked out, to be divided into 4 sections: Winter, Spring, Summer and Totally Rad Kicks.

Section 2(4) When asked by her children to describe Mr Federline's wardrobe, she will refer to his clothes as "unique", "falvour-full" and "totally tricked out." She shall never use the adjectives "preppy" or "suburban" in reference to any clothing pruchased or worn.

Section 2(5) When the children are old enough to choose their own clothes, they will be taken to Target for shopping.

Clause III (Stable Family Environment)

Section 1(1): Ms Spears agrees that the children's environment should not be dramatically effected by this divorce.

Section 1(2): As such, Ms Spears will play tapes of a man and woman shouting obsenities at each other at random points during the night.

Section 1(3): Ms Spears will also cause random items to be thrown against the children's walls during the playing of these tapes.

Clause VI (Music)

Section 1(1): For every track of a Ms. Spear's album that the children listen to, they must listen to one of Mr Federline's.

Section 1(2) If the children are unexpectedly confronted with Ms Spear music, ie should her track accidently be played by a local radio DJ while the children are travelling, the children will be played an equal amount of Mr Federline's tracks before bed. Even if they have to stay up all night.

Section 1(3) Ms Spears agrees that when she discusses Mr Federline's music career she will describe it as "successful". When the children are old enough to ask about the SoundScan sales numbers for Mr Federline's album(s), she will explain that "SoundScan doesn't measure the underground hip-hop community" and that "Mr Federline is big in Kentucky"

Clause VII (References to Mr Federline)

Section 1(1) When describing Mr Federline to their children Ms Spears must say, exactly, "Kids, your dad is a pure player. He is a true p-i-m-p (to be spelt outloud by Ms Spears) who is going to take this world by storm. Your dad flips the script"

Section 2(3) Ms Spears is never to refer to Ms Federling as "washed-up" or as "white"