If practice of law teaches us one thing, it is how to deal with rules and structure. It teaches us to operate and think within the regimes society has chosen to adopt. But there is one relationship paradigm that has dictated far too many lives for far too long with no real rhyme or reason to it. That my friends, is the dreaded friend zone. We have all had it happen. You meet someone, things seem to be moving along nicely, and then you are informed that perhaps friendship is the best course of action. Perhaps you are not their type, perhaps your 700 piece star wars collection plate museum in your parents basement freaked them out - you may never know. Where the magical friend-zone came from, we may never know. Now I have gotten the friend talk more times than I care to admit, so are these just the bitter ramblings of a sad pathetic little man…..perhaps. But more importantly what I propose is not an elimination of this phenomena ( as it will take more than my say so to collapse the mighty friend-zone) but rather an ordering of a rather messy archetypal relationship. To put it succinctly, I was not so much distraught by being put in the friend zone, but by the unpredictability of what was expected of me once I was there. How many “just friends” am I allowed to have at one time, what are my roles and responsibilities, can I hit on your mom because she’s hot? What is needed, is a set of statutes and common law precedent, to help all of us out. First of all, I propose inventing a “just friend” registry. We will all register our friends with each person having a limit of 4 “just friends” who are single and of the opposite sex. Thanks to this limit, when receiving the friend talk in a number over and above your limit, you will be able to say with confidence “thanks but I have enough friends” without seeming like an asshole. I also propose a new tort be introduced into the common law called “gamesalting.” This will be an action brought against a “just friend” for taking up your time when you should be trying to get laid. Remedies will range depending on the action undertaken. For example While picking up your “friend” at the airport because their boyfriend is busy may require compensation of lunch, Getting a call on your cell phone at 2AM from a girl who is just “friends” and having to talk her down about her asshole boyfriend hitting on another girl, could mean that that the male friend could seek the remedy of specific performance – requiring that girls hotter younger sister to make out with him. The system will also have to include certain exceptions allowing parties to opt out of the system, for example if you are a girl’s 4th cousin, you may be allowed over the friendzone threshold since hooking up with your third cousin is kinda creepy, and there is a slight chance that if you knocked her up a vesitgal tail could result. There could also be exit clauses from the friend-zone, but who are we kidding, they are not worth discussing because the friend-zone is like a black hole in which your chances of getting laid are sucked in, and only one sided sexual tension spews. But over all the registry system and its internal set of checks and balances would keep one sane in an otherwise sexually frustrated situation. The system would allow for consistency in expectation an application, and free up everyone’s time to pursue “all types of other nasty.” Remember, “Friends” is a show on TV, for everything else, put it in the registry. You’re sanity and hormones will thank you.

Nolan K.