My talents are wasted here at the Gap. Anybody can sell a $15 pink tweed knit t-shirt to a preppy wannabe from the university, especially when American Eagle just upped their prices again. I’m sure I have untapped potential, no matter what ‘day-time manager Brad’ says about me. "A waste of both skin and space"!? Screw him. My talents are wasted here at the Northgate Mall. You know what I’m probably really good at? Polo.

Look at the facts: First, I’m very good with animals. They love me. Get me in a room with cats and they’re all over me. Seriously, they’re in my lap, sleeping on my back, licking my toes; If there’s free room against my body a cat is there. Though I have never seen a horse in real life, I can only imagine that the skills translate. A horse and a cat really very similar. Not like dogs and horses, which is good because dogs hate me. I have no idea why. Remember when that guy came in with that seeing eye dog looking for a black micro-fibre polo shirt? Yeah, that bastard; While I was in the middle of laughingly telling him how last year that shirt was, that dog bit the shit out of my leg. I hate dogs. I’m glad they have nothing to do with polo.

Secondly, I have very good balance. Seriously, try to push me over. Go ahead. See – it’s that low center of gravity that would make me a formidable force on the polo field. I can only imagine that once in the saddle I would be impossible to remove, unless I willed to remove myself. And standing up in the stirrups? I spend all day crouching down to grab those 40 Waist Jeans at the bottom of the jeans shelf for the ‘plus size’ guys who work over at Denny’s. My thighs are tremendously strong. Not just tremendous. My thighs are Ted-remendous. Ok, that’s enough, get your hand off my thigh.

Plus I am very good under pressure. Remember when we were $500 below quota with 3 hours left and you cry babies were all whining about how we were all going to get fired? Who talked that surfer dude into buying 5 pairs of chinos that didn’t even fit him? Correct, Ted Hutchinson did. Saved your sorry hides, just like I’d save my polo teams hides (pun intended) by scoring the game winning goal with 30 seconds left in the Astonbury Cup.

Plus I’m good with famous people. Remember when Fun Dave from 95.1FM came in and you guys were all over him talking about how much you liked his shitty morning show? Yeah you remember, I was the only one who kept it real and I told him I thought his new co-host sucked balls. And then who sold him that ratty corduroy jacket for $100? Ted Hutchinson, that's who. And That’s how I’d be with Prince Charles when I met him – everybody would be all over him talking about how they can’t wait for him to be king, and how great things will be when he's in charge. But not Ted htuchinson. I’d be like “Chuck, you have got to upgrade from Camilla. You’re a king, start acting like it”. Then we’d go for martinis because he’d respect my honesty. Just like Fun Dave. See where I’m going?

I have often wikipedia’d Polo, and the words and pictures posted have called to my soul. When I lay awake at night pining for my polo career, the money the fame, I think that I must have been a polo player in another life. An excellent polo player, who let the greed and glory get to him, and in punishment I was resurrected in this life as a Gap ‘associate’. But let the cosmos know this: Ted Hutchinson has learned his lesson, and should the karma wheel spin his way again Ted Hutchinson will ensure that he does not go crazy with fame or money, he will practice moderation. Except in the women department. Ted Hutchinson will sleep with many women during his polo career. And I’ll probably buy a jet. And I can’t wait to come back to Northgate Mall with my entourage and show ‘day manager Brad’ what a success I have become. Brad will see me come in with my crew, but I’ll be more tanned from my many vacations and I’ll be wearing way nicer clothes, and some Air Force Ones, so he won’t recognize me. When he comes up within the Gap mandated 30 seconds to greet me and ask if I need any help I’ll say “Brad, it’s me Ted.” And as his face turns into a visage of shock/envy I will say “I was going to buy $10,000 worth of Gap clothing for my crew, but upon seeing you Brad I have changed my mind. Maybe you should have recognized my untapped potential and talent when I worked here.” As my crew and I turn to leave Northgate forever B-Funk (my roadie in charge of organizing post-polo parties) would yell “Sucka! You just got Served!” and we would all laugh. Brad would probably cry.

Fuck, I’d be great at polo.