I don’t understand why you don’t like your new trophy Dad. I figured you guys would have so much in common, he’s so much closer in age to you. I mean, he likes the same Playbox 2 games you do. Playstation, whatever, you get my point, Carlos would know the name of it. He would also probably know what grade you were in, he’s a good listener. Don’t think of him as MY new trophy husband, think of him as YOUR new trophy dad.

I mean think about it kids, Old Dad would have griped about what time you came home last night, restlessly pacing back and forth across the living room floor, waiting to chew you out. Now you’re living the dream, yesterday you broke curfew by two hours, but you seemed like little angels compared to Carlos who didn’t come home at all. So there’s a silver lining for you.

You know when I was your age I only had one Christmas? That’s right. Think about that. I would have given my left arm for two Christmases. You kids don’t even know how spoiled you are. I hardly ever got to see my dad during the week, he was working so much, and you lucky sons-of-bitches have a whole court-ordered day. I would have said ten thousand Hail Marys for the courts to order my dad to spend a little time with us.

And don’t think the divorce has been easy on me. Or Carlos for that matter. With the new responsibilities of a family Carlos has had to almost quit stripping, so don’t pretend like he hasn’t made any sacrifices for us. And just because I got the house, the cars, custody and all the money don’t come crying about how Old Dad has been done so wrong. All I hear from you ungrateful brats is “Boo-hoo, Dad is crying all the time and all he eats is Alphagettios and Wonderbread”. Did you ever think that the reason I divorced him is because Old Dada is a crybaby who can’t fend for himself? Carlos is a male role model with a 6-pack that commands respect, finally bringing that X Chromosome this house has been sorely lacking.

And next time you have a career day at school you guys will be swimming in admiration. How many times did you drag Old Dad in to speak to your class only to have him put everybody to sleep talking about how ‘exciting’ his job as an inventory-control manager over at Staples. Did you know that Carlos had an audition for the new Missy Elliott video last week? He slept through it because he was out all night, but he had the audition. Plus he has a degree in Hair-Dressing. What did your dad have? A masters in Political Science, or should I say Political Snooze-ience. Imagine that. Carlos could cut your hair right there in class. But not your class Billy, I don’t want Carlos to see Ms. Franklin, Frankly I don’t need the competition right now.

Old Dad didn’t age well kids, it was like Time drove a Mac truck over his face, love handles and thighs. And then backed over him. How can I put it so you kids will understand me? Lisa, imagine if one day you woke up and you were married to Mr Burns. Ewwww is right young lady. And Billy, what if one day you woke up and looked beside you and saw the Grinch beside you? All wrinkly and worried about “retirement savings” and never once proposing we go to Ibiza for a drug-fuelled orgy? Well, you’re a little young for that example, but you’ll understand where I’m coming from when you wake up next to your own metaphorical Grinch.

So next time you’re thinking about back-talking your new stepdad, think about what your life would be like over at your dad’s one bedroom castle over on the east side. That’s right, one more word and I’ll have Carlos pack your bags. He’s probably in there right now to tell you the truth. What’s that I hear? Sweet silence? Good. I’ll be upstairs helping.