The following handwritten list was leaked by Mrs Henrietta Cortez, President Chavez’s long time housekeeper fired recently for assuring Mr Chavez the romantic comedy “You Me and Dupree” starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon and "the blonde Wilson Brother" was a quote unquote ‘laugh riot’.

According to the intricately itemized list (removed from the fridge by Mrs Cortez just before leaving) written by President Chavez, George W Bush is an annoyance, but shockingly he is quite far down the ‘The Things That Really Bother Me’ list. In fact, given President Chavez’s vitriolic tirades against the American President in the past election, George W Bush is beaten by many unlikely candidates. Sufficiet to say the press found a very confused Venezuelan People Wednesday night.

Many people were found wandering the streets of Caracas, unsure of where they now stood on Chavez. One man, obviously torn, had this to say: “So does Chavez hate America or does he hate Fries? I am confused. I voted to end American Hegemony, not Dairy Queen. I love their blizzards. Can I even eat there anymore? What if I have a Flamethrower with no fries? Are Poutine fries? I’m so hungry right now.”

In order to combat what many pundits referred to as a ‘crisis of leadership’ President Chavez addressed the People of Venezuela by television yesterday. Many pundits wondered where he would take the conversation considering the entire basis for Mr Chavez’s presidential bid was his unbridled hatred for George W Bush, not Christopher Walken.

President Chavez immediately attempted to reach out to the public, attempting to relate to the common man, to appeal to their basest emotions in order to gain the sympathy. “Have you ever seen a Christopher Walken movie? He plays the same character in every single one. And that character is Christopher Walken. Oh, they give him different names, but he talks and walks exactly the same. They pay him to be himself. He’s not an actor.” A reporter who asked why Samuel L Jackson did not make his list was immediately removed for promoting racism.

The President continued: “and we get called a Banana Republic all the time. I know, not to our face, but you know when you walk into a room and suddenly everyone goes quiet? That’s because they were calling us a Banana Republic. Listen up world and listen good, because this is the last time I’m going to say this: We don’t even grow bananas here. The climate isn’t right. And we are not a Republic. We are more of a Petro-Dictatorship, or maybe even a Stalinist Oil Field. But not a Banana Republic. I get that all the time at the UN and it drives me nuts.”

“Further, America quit sending your washed up 90’s Adult Contemporary down here. The people are uneducated and unable to defend themselves against the easy beats and soothing melodies of Michael Bolton. His haunting vocals and wide range are destroying our local music scene. I bet most American don’t even know he has 19 albums to his name. How do I know? Because Venezuala is single handedly keeping him in business. 2006’s ‘Bolton Swings Sinatra’ sold 1 Million copies down here. Did you here me? 1 Million copies. You know how many it sold in America? 10. Coincidentally the same number of people in Mr Bolton’s immediate family. Michael Bolton, hear me and hear me well, take your “hits” somewhere else, quit preying on the simple people of Venezuala who do not know any better.”

“And Al Gore? Where did he come from? And when did he get so smug. Last time I checked you lost an election that pretty much threw America into its worse foreign military excursion in 50 years. Wipe that smile off your face son, I’ve now got two reasons to pump diesel out of the ground: to keep my economy afloat and to spite you.”

“Finally, to the Good People of Venezuela, there was a typo on the list. I do not dislike ‘Fat Chicks’, I dislike “Bat Chunks”. My grandmother used to make Bat Stew, and the chunks were the worse” Which, of course, was a tremendous lie. But the Venezualan People forgave him, as they are a skinny people.

As he signed off, he warned the Venezualan People about the devastating effect on one’s looks a Mullet can have, and how he was enacting legislation against the foul hair cut before the years end. He then attempted to eat some Dairy Queen fires to show he was a man of the people, but was unable to bring himself to even touch the greasy sticks. The last words broadcast were “Is someone going out to MacDonald’s? You know what would help me out? George Bush growing a mullet. That would solve this whole problem. Damn. I hate Mullets."

Most pundits believe that Mr Chavez had staved off much of the crisis, even though he had failed to mention George W Bush even once in his tirade. Should Mr Chavez change the constitution and run for a third term as president, most political insiders say that in order to raise the same 'us vs them' ire which has won him the past two election he will have to take a hard line against either the next leader of the British Labour Party 'Gordon Brown' or 'leaving the toilet seat up.' Pundits say it will proabbly be an election eve decision.