My name is Michael Hutchinson, I am 28 years old, and Canada needs your support. The Michael Hutchinson Independence Party is looking to make a break through in this upcoming election, and your vote is needed to undo the wrongs being perpetrated by the current adminstration.How long must Michael Hutchinson toil in obscurity before the citizens of this Country realize they have need of his talents. Canada needs Michael Hutchinson to be Independant of hassle, independant of distraction, so that he may ponder the great problems of our time. Vote for the Michael Hutchinson Independence Party. Set him free. And you yourself will be set free (in a metaphysical sense, not in the physical sense, which is the type of freedom you will be giving Michael). Our platform is as follows:

1. Once the Michael Hutchinson Independence Party is elected our first order of business will be to move out of my parent’s basement. Long have Canadians, as a people, cried out for me to vacate that basement, but the powers that be have kept our dreams in check. Unite with me and, together, we will defeat ‘politics as usual’. Together we will finally rent that 2 bedroom apartment over on Broadway. And together I will finally have somewhere to take girls after the bar. Send out the word, that Michael Hutchinson is a man of the people, a man of integrity, a man of trust; and, should he win the election, he will be a man looking for a roommate: the place has nice lighting, 2 HUGE rooms, and no pets. If you want to sneak in a parakeet or something I’d be down with that, but I’m not going to take any heat from the landlord on this, you deal with it.

2. Further: how many times have you thought to yourself “Michael Hutchinson pays way too much tax?” If you are like me you think that very thought 10 or 20 times a day. What does CPP even stand for? On polling day let the ballot be your voice, and let it yell wildly into the night “Michael Hutchinson, you glorious bastard, the tax man cometh no more"  I, Michael Hutchinson, solemnly swear to Canadian Citizens that if elected this is one issue that I will ensure is dealt with. Plus I will exempt myself from all liquor taxes, because those are killing me lately. Put your trust in me, and I will ensure I never contribute to society again.

3. As well, I vow that once elected I will quite my job at my dad's hardware store. And I will quit with exteme prejudice. Let me say it again for emphasis: extreme prejudice. On the day when the ballots are counted and the Michael Hutchinson Independance Party is declared victorius, I, Michael Hutchinson, swear before you today, that I will go into work, and rather than putting on my smock, I will sit down int he break room and put my feet up on the table. When Old Man Hutchinson comes in and asks "what the hell I'm doing", I will respond "I don't know dad. Maybe just revelling in my new found position as an elected Member of Parliament". I will then throw the crumpled election results I had printed off my computer in his face and say "you are a terrible father. I quit." Hopefully I will have my new place lined up or dinner will be a bit awkward.

4. I’m also looking to break up with my girlfriend, and I think going to Parliament will really help me complete that goal. And by that I mean Our Goal (you and me, not me and her, she has no idea this break up is coming, so keep that under wraps). Let no one say the Michael Hutchinson Independance Party is weak on substantive goals: Once I have the votes I am off to Ottawa and the plan begins: I will begin by phoning back home every night. Slowly that will become every 2 nights, and then once a week. By the second month I imagine long akward pauses, punctuated only be one party coughing and the other saying "did you say something" only to be dissappointed when told it was simply a cough. Finally she will end things with either a 'we have grown apart' speech or a 'you are a bastard' tirade. Either way Micheal Hutchinson will have lived up to another of his election promises.

5. Lend me your vote, and will ensure that, together, I will go to as many glamourous parties as possible. And not politician parties, supermodel parties, most likely involving hot tubs and weirdly named cocktails that I will pretend to have had before so I can fit in. Though you will not be there in body, you will be there in spirit, and I solemenly swear that I will drop your name at least once during the party. And a promise from the Michael Hutchinson Independence Party is a promise you can take to the bank.

The Michael Hutchinson Independance Party is the party of big dreams, the party of the New Canadian Dream if you will. And that dream is for Michael Hutchinson to be freed of everything that is making his life a living Hell. Free me from this Hell and I will blaze a path for all of you to follow after me. Except not the same path, because there's only one seat in our riding and I need it. I'll figure out another way to get you guys all here. I promise.

Well, as you can hear, it's dinner time and if I'm more than 5 mintues late I don't get dessert. You can see the barbarism I'm dealing with. For the love of all that is holy, I cannot stand this place one more minute.Send me to Parliament, free me from the shackles of working life. And while I will be simply showered with worldy possessions and fame, you will be blessed with a bounty of karma which will help you not only in this life, but the next. Which is way better than a BMW. Again, Michael Hutchinson for Parliament: Why? Because You Hate Your Life. And Michael understands that.