According to the latest Decima Poll numbers, the Conservative Party of Canada has opened up a 10 point lead over the Liberals. More shocking however is a new poll, set to be released this Monday, that was leaked to the Weakly Lawyer late Wednesday. The new Ipso Reid poll commissioned jointly by the CBC, the Calgary Sun and TVtropolis asked Canadians who they felt would be best suited to be Prime Minister, and the results are more than just troubling for Stephane Dion.  The poll shows Stephen Harper’s popularity ballooning, with a post-budget surge that has propelled him far and away alone in 1st place with 45 percent support among eligible voters polled. Unfortunately for Stephan "I'm Saving the Good English for the Election" Dion, he has cratered out at an astonishing 3.1 percent.

Dion has now fallen behind ‘Moustache Jack’ of the NDP (17 percent), Gilles "Presidente" Duceppe of the Bloc (13 percent), and, adding further ‘shit-icing’ to the cake, both fringe candidate (and very good looking woman) Elizabeth May of the Green Party (8 percent) and Michael Hutchinson of 132 Aspen Place Kamloops (3.2 percent)   

“Mr. Dion is going to have a hard time sticking around with those types of numbers” said former Prime Minister Kim Campbell, “I’ve never seen anything so pathetic in my life, I am glad I will never know such embarrassment.  Politically, he’s a dud, socially he’s a nerd, and in our Toastmasters class, he consistently gets the worst marks—all he ever talks about is why ‘wedgies’ made him the man he is today.” 

The poll indicates that Mr. Dion is faring only marginally better than Kim Campbell herself, whose name was not even on the survey.  Dion has also fallen behind former Toronto Maple Leaf forward and smooth talkin’ ladies man Tie Domi, and even embattled newspaper mogul Conrad Black, (among dozens more). “This can’t be good news for the Liberals”, said Lord Black’s wife, Lady Barbara Amiel, who seemed pleasantly surprised by the shout-out that her man received.  “People generally tend to have a real hate on for my man…..he’s kind of an asshole……but, boy, that Dion is sure a chump eh?.......now GET OUT OF HERE YOU VERMIN…YOU’RE ALL VERMIN!!! HISSSSS HISSSS”  

The poll goes so far as to suggests the Liberals would be signifigantly better off with Dion’s dog Kyoto at the helm, who is polling at an incredible 5 percent.  “He’s a damn fine dog….trustworthy, faithful.....and seriously, I’ve been thinking about trading in the Denali for a Prius anyways, so my vote’s is for Kyoto.” said former tough-guy and newfound PM candidate Domi.  Conservative Peter Mackay even threw his support behind the Dion mutt.  “Yeah, I’d vote for Kyoto……I know a thing or two about political dogs ………..I’m so lonely!  That thing with Condoleeza meant nothing.... you don't have Belinda's phone number do you? ...You know she's a millionaire right? I don't have two nickles to rub together and I'm throwing away millionaire heiresses .....how do you pluralize heiress, because that didn't sound right.....hey!?, are you taping this?  Turn that thing off.” 

Kyoto was not the only ineligible candidate to poll higher than the Professor, as the Ipso pollsters indicated that OJ Simpson would have been ‘right in there’ with Mr. Dion had he been eligible. Pundits think OJ is tapping into the 'let's get soft on crime' vote that has been propping up the Liberal numbers of late. Hearing news of that, OJ was quoted as saying, “Stevey D man, it’s time to step away bro…..Sometimes you gots to recognize when you should just walk away from something, because if you stay….something bad could happened…..be the bigger man dude.”

Mr. Dion was unavailable for comment.  He was walking his dog and avoiding eye contact with passersby.