I’m done school. I got through it. I won. I had a B plus average and I look like a grinder, so big firms in Calgary love me. In June, I start with one such big firm. 65 grand for articling. It’s downtown. Big firm. Big deals. Big time. And fuck it, I want a horse. I mean, I know it’s not really ‘practical’ or ‘humane’ to keep a horse in a downtown condo, but really, what’s that got to do with what I so desperately want to display to the world-that I have a horse.

No, I don’t mean a rocking horse, or a large ornamental display piece, or some artwork or a Ferrari, I mean, a quadruped-a majestic stallion that will rear up with excitement when you see it, give sleigh rides, and allow itself to be whispered to. What’s that you say? I can’t really buy a horse? Well screw you all-cause I already bought it. It’s name is Andrew.

Now, I’m not going to lie, maintaining this status piece that goes by Andrew hasn’t come cheap or easy. It’s expensive, and highly inconvenient to be this awesome. For instance, both Andrew and I insist that he drink only freshly squeezed Sun-Rype apple juice (and not just a little bit). He will also drink a single malt scotch after a long day of horsing around. He defecates more than I’d like, and it takes up most of the kitchen. (the feces, that is). My cleaning lady is not pleased-and keeping Andrew’s presence from my condo manager is tough.

Still though, nothing beats riding down McLeod Trail atop Andrew, gallantly striding along. I drown out the honks from the traffic jams we cause with themes from Old Westerns playing in my new ipod. At lunch, which I can get away, I’ll take Andrew to Subway sometimes. He loves the Bacon Melt on parmesan oregano. People say, ‘this is cruel-you can’t keep a horse in your apartment, you are evil, that horse has already gone a bit squirrely, and it’s only been three days.’ To that I say, Neigh! Name a horse that wouldn’t want tudor windows in an energy retro-fitted downtown loft, and access to a Calgary Flames flex pack. ‘What do you even feed it?’ they say. I feed Andrew what any rich young lawyer would feed a horse; 5 dollar bills.