Contrary to popular belief, the most frequently asked question after being accepted to law school is NOT “Was that reasonable”. The painful question that you ACTUALLY hear the most is “So what field are you going into?”. Whether it be some greasy uncle at a family event or some drunk girl that you are trying to take home, there is no avoiding this question. Answering this question becomes more excruciating as time goes on, it gets to the point where you feel you might just snap and a bloodbath ensues. The correct answer to this question should be “How the fuck should I know, there isn’t even any course selection in first year”, which usually comes out more like “I haven’t really decided yet”. Although, the lack of choice isn’t necessarily a bad thing because the more courses you take, the more you learn that every field is terrible.

CRIMINAL:

1st of all, if you say you are interested in criminal law because CSI is your favourite TV show, you should be thrown down some stairs. Everyone seems to enjoy taking first year crim, the fact patterns are more like reading a novel then some boring text book. Here’s the catch, sure it’s interesting to read about deranged criminals, but do you want to be meeting with shady characters for the rest of your life. When you give them the bad news they’re going to jail, you THEN have to ask these shady characters for money. Good luck with that. At least you know we’re they’ll be.

PERSONAL INJURY:

Now at first glance, this might sound like big settlements which you think translates to big bucks. First of all, this is Canada and not the U.S. so huge settlements are not as likely. Plus it takes 10 years before any major claim is settled. I came to law school to make money before 2016. Second, you will be forced to either deal with bogus claims or else deal with someone too dumb to realize that coffee is hot. If you ever read a warning on a product that you think is ridiculous, just remember that it is there because at some point in time some idiot didn’t have any common sense and got hurt somehow. Does that little freshener packet in new shoes really have to say “do not ingest” are there people out there that actually think “yum, here’s some free salt in the heal of my shoes” the answer is YES, at some point someone had to have eaten that packet for the warning to be there.

FAMILY:

This field is just too emotionally charged, I don’t like the idea of someone weeping uncontrollably in my office, even if I am billing by the hour. Furthermore, divorcees on the rebound are easy and that shit can get you disbarred.

ENVIRONMENTAL:

So you got into law to impress women. I hope you enjoy the “au naturelle” look.

INTERNATIONAL:

Wake up! There is no international law

LITIGATION:

Let’s face it, Judges are often old and bitter and would likely rather hear from some well endowed female then your sorry ass. Or some young stud, depending on the sex of the Judge. So get your ugly ass out of court.

CORPORATE:

Are you well groomed? Do you keep your hair trim? Do you rank money as more important then family/friends? Do people often refer to you as a dick? If you answered yes, then maybe Corporate law is the field for you.

As for any of you out there that have actually selected a field that is right for you, I personally owe you a pat on the back. In fact, you can come up to me, slap me in the face and call me an indecisive prick. Know this though, the second your back is turned I will be all over you like a feral squirrel on Skippy. But congrats!

Byline: Shane Wagner