In response to Devin Dubois’ emerging trilogy regarding his health, I have found inspiration.  I call my trilogy, ‘I know nothing’.  It’s about law school, and it goes a little something like this.

PART I 

I JUST WROTE AN IMMIGRATION FINAL—I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IMMIGRATION LAW

So I walk into this test, having given it my third year’s best, 2 days cumulative effort to prepare, thinking to myself, this’ll fall into place, they always do.  They always do not.  It was a nightmare.  First of all, we were dealing with 2 new sessional lecturers, co-teaching the class.  These people, in general, do not know how to draw up an exam.  For instance, they made the test out of 150 marks (that’s right….and FIFTY).  Not out of 100….nope, that’d be weird….we’re marked out of 100, that’d just be complicated….150 marks, that makes more sense. (insert sarcasm).  So, me being gripped with third year malaise as I am, failed to notice this, and went about my business, leisurely earning the short answer marks that amounted to 2/3 of the exam (assuming 66 out of 100 marks, or so).  Needless to say I was a little bit panicked to realize the final ‘short answer’ question was a 20 mark fact pattern, and I already had less than an hour left.  This question also preceded 2, 25 mark essays--I had a full 50 minutes left.  Okay, I thought…. sweet, 70 out of 100 marks to earn.  Sweet.  That’s oh….about, 2 marks a minute.  No sweat…..guess I don’t have time to really READ the question though.  150 marks….nice.    

I know nothing about immigration.  If an immigrant came to me right now and said, Adam, I want in, I would be of no assistance.  All I know is that the minister of citizenship and immigration wears shades all the time.  In the house of commons, and in pictures on the CIC website.  Weird.  I paid for the class, but can I help get Ahmed and his handicapped nefew into Canada?  No sir I cannot.  How I filled the page with 3 hours worth of writing, well, that’s a trick us third years perfected a while ago. 

PART II  

I JUST WROTE 100 PAGES OF PAPERS---I HAVE GOT NOTHING TO SAY.

This is a tragedy.  We, of course, as law students, have a major paper requirement, amounting to at least one, 35-50 page paper.  I, of course, put this requirement off until the very last, most unmotivated term of my life….and then, decided that due to a timetable wanton for non-seminar classes, I was going to write TWO of them.  Brilliant choice Adam.  I feel really really bad for my professors.  I have got nothing to add to the discourse of legal academia.  I WISH I had some good stuff….don’t get me wrong.  But lets just say I took it as a bad sign when in May, I was unable to come up with a quick answer to the question, ‘what’s your topic Adam’.  I couldn’t vocalize it, and I couldn’t think it through in my head.  I had 30 pages down at that point.  I’d usually resort to saying something like, ‘It’s about—insert class name here’.  Happy reading profs!  I hope the thesis is clearer to you guys than it was to me.  Something tells me these seminal papers will not be referenced in any upcoming law reviews or Supreme Court decisions, and I won’t be speaking at the U of T’s next memorial lecture.  I think what should happen is the dean should hand pick who he wants to write the papers, after polling students with the very simple question.  ‘Breker, you got anything to say?’  ‘NO SIR!!’  ‘Alright then, keep pumping out those follies videos, the kids love em.’  In the end I filled nearly 100 pages with my deepest, darkest, legal thoughts…….I have got NOTHING to say.  BUT if you want to read them, let me know. 

PART III

I JUST FINISHED LAW SCHOOL—I AM REALLY REALLY FREIGHTENED

So yeah, I just spent three years in law school.  I pretty much know nothing.  I can sit through some classes, write a reasonably BS-filled exam to get by, and I’m on my way to a pretty nice articling job to boot.  I’m hoping to buy a horse for companionship in the near future…..BUT, as to the knowledge I will bring with me as I venture timidly into the world of horse-filled reality? …..ummm ….yeah ….nada (I’m scared).  There’s two schools of thought on this:  One is that I really do actually know a lot, and have learned the tools to think like a lawyer, and will be able to quickly adapt and be ready to get on with it, having learned much more than I even realize.  The other is that we actually do know nothing, but they had to make us do something before shipping us off to contribute dutifully to society in firms etc., and we’ll learn it all on the job anyway. 

My personal theory is, is as follows; ‘I personally know nothing at all, and I am really really scared that I am going to be a terrible lawyer.  My boss will be like, ‘Hey Adam, welcome aboard, we’re gonna start you off with something easy….do this.’  and it will appear to me akin to if he’d handed me the Cantonese instructions to intermediate calculus.  I’ll be like, ‘ummm, say…..I don’t know how to do this.’  He’ll be like, ‘Didn’t you go to law school.’  I’ll be all, ‘ye…yes sir, I d-d-did’.  He’ll go, ‘Well then, heh heh, you should be able to handle that.’    Well, here’s my news…..I don’t know how to do THAT, or anything else.  Even thinking of what THAT could be scares me, because I have no idea what THAT will be.  I’m scared……I wish there was fourth year.  Seriously…..we have class 15 hours per WEEK.  It’s really quite awesome.  What’s not awesome…..I’m done, and I’m frightened.