Should you choose to rely on Google, combined with your keen-intelligence as I did, please bill your time under “non-bi1llable due to extreme inability to perceive the obvious.” This billing number is also known as “non-billable due to idiot-icity**.”

Continuing with what seems to have become a central theme in my life, I have spent the last little while (ie my summer) learning all my lessons the hard way. As the only law student in my Whitehorse firm I had no one to share the glories/humiliations that have followed as most (if not all) of my best efforts abruptly turned into fiery failure-craters. So, with no other students to share with, I am forced to share with everybody. Read on for some of the highlights of my budding law career and what my experience has taught me about Research, Phone Etiquette, Communication and the rediscovery of my Common Sense gland (it’s in your lower right thigh):

1. Researching for a Partner

When a Partner emails you for some research on the ‘BIA,’ don’t rely on the first Google entry that pops up for ‘BIA and legislation.’ An intelligent person (or any primary school graduate) could probably figure out that the Partner doesn’t want information on ‘Business Improvement Areas’ in British Columbia, an obscure section of the Community Planning Act. Especially when said Partner has already told you that the research is in relation to a ‘Bankrupt’ mining operation. I capitalize ‘Bankrupt’ to highlight the super-keen nature of my intelligence.

Lesson Learned: Do not rely on Google and definitely do not proceed to create a 3 page memo that ends with the line: “As far as I can tell, the Business Improvement Area (BIA*) legislation has nothing to do with bankrupt mining facilities.” Should you choose to rely on Google, combined with your keen-intelligence as I did, please bill your time under “non-bi1llable due to extreme inability to perceive the obvious.” This billing number is also known as “non-billable due to idiot-icity**.”

2. Communication with the “Outside”

If I send out the standard Fax Cover Sheet that says “Graham Lang: Summer Student” to the sketchy Sales Manager at a Winnipeg dealership who ‘made a mistake’ on a client’s bill of sale, there is absolutely no chance he will send me the affidavit I need. Zero. Nor, it turns out, will he return my phone calls after receiving said fax. He’s ‘on the lot,’ probably ‘accidentally’ making some mistakes on another bill of sale (he’s clumsy like that), laughing at the poor summer student who is tasked with getting information out of him from 2000 kilometres away. Totally contrary to what one would think, the title of ‘Summer Student’ does not cause individuals to lose any sleep at night, nor does it cause them to tell you anything.

Lesson Learned: delete any reference to Summer Student on correspondence and replace with any of the following titles: King of Norway, Killer-for-Hire, Canada Revenue Agency, Elderly Man With a Huge Fortune and No Living Relatives Looking for Companionship, Dishwasher***; any of these will ensure at least a phone call back. The title of Summer Student warrants only disdain, of which much has been heaped down upon me by said Winnipeg Sales Manager.

3. Building Client Relationships

Going out for lunch at the new Mexican restaurant with your friend Becky Reynolds does not count as “building client relationships,” so you better not put it on your Time Sheet. Don’t even think about it. But if you do, take this advice: when asked about the billing, don’t say “Well, Becky is really shifty, she’s going to need a lawyer someday.” You’re already in enough trouble. Plus she’s not really very shifty. Quite the opposite.

Lesson Learned: Becky Reynolds is an upstanding member of society, quit bad mouthing her around town. Oh, and apparently Summer Students are in no position to be recruiting clients. Especially when you haven’t moved up the chain far enough to warrant an office. I’m in the Boardroom/Library. One of my walls is an Accordion Wall.

4. Attitude Around the Office

You can be as mean to your fellow lawyers as you want, but don’t get on the bad side of the receptionists or the legal assistants, because they really run the show. A place can operate fine without us lawyers, we’re a dime a dozen. Good receptionist & legal assistants are hard to find. I didn’t learn this one myself, I am actually quite a nice collegiate fellow. Some would almost say annoyingly so. I saw a guy learn it the hard way. He doesn’t work for Mr. Davis anymore.

Lesson Learned: Self-evident. Don’t be a jerk. You know the type I’m talking about.

6. Phone Etiquette

Don’t pick up your phone when your Supervisor is in your office (or Boardroom/Library). Just don’t. It’ll invariably be some buddy of yours whose only reason to phone you on this Friday afternoon is to yell into the phone as loud as he can: “It’s Beeeeeeeeer Time.” Why? Because your friend is unemployed and has nothing better to do with his day than screw you over. And his soul longs to hear the long drawn out echo of an extended “beer” yelled into the ether

Lesson Learned: This will never stop, and to tell you the truth, your buddy is a riot. The only thing you can do is suck it up and at least be polite: invite your Supervisor out for a beer. Because he probably just got a call from his unemployed buddy Chuck who yelled “It’s Beeeeeeer Time” as loud as possible into the phone while the Senior Partner was in his office. That’s why the Supervisor is in your office now. He’s hiding out.

Yours In Awkwardness, Graham Lang

PS Should you start working at a firm, here’s a little tip; the partner who wears wrinkled clothes and comes in whenever he wants is the REALLY GOOD LAWYER. He doesn’t have to worry about looking good or impressing anyone. Go to him for help. Not the flashy young lawyer. He doesn’t know much. Except how to buy a good suit.