Thumbs up to Ms. Ana Rivera, of Woonsocket, R.I., who proved, once again, that Traditional Dispute Resolution is on the comeback. Ms. Rivera was charged with simple assault on January 10, 2007 when she drove her suspended 13-year-old daughter in her 78 Buick Skylark to fight another 13-year-old from the same school. The Weakly applauds you Ms. Rivera! Why have 13-year-olds plugging up the justice system when they could just duke-it-out? But if we’ve learned anything from Thai fighting and Singapore pirates (and we have) it’s that fist fights don’t ultimately resolve anything… but knife fights do. Here’s to you Rivera, and here’s to the re-emergence of Traditional Disput Resolution! The Canadian Bar Association is following in the steps of Ms Riveria by offering a new CPLED course, please find the syllabus below:

Due to the law profession's current focus on Alternative Dispute Resolution, students are graduating without a solid foundation in those forms of dispute resolution employed by our forefathers so successfully: Traditional Dispute Resolution (TDR). Here is a mandatory course for all graduating students, and any lawyer's deemed to be "empathetic" or "in touch with their emotions" by their managing partner.

Traditional Dispute Resolution 201.1:

I. Escalation

The key to resolving any confrontation is to first ensure that there will be a “traditional conflict.” This module will look at different methodology employed to ‘escalate’ a situation so your newly discovered TDR skills can be employed. This isn’t a class teaching “lawyer-speak”, this is a practical class with application ranging from individual debt collection to simple neighbourhood disputes involving loud dogs or property lines. The goal of this section is to ensure that cool heads do not prevail, and allow for an efficient, cost effective solution to your problem – ideally, once you have completed this course, you will never have to deal with the time consuming ‘legal system’ again.

Goading for Beginners
a. Hey, didn’t you play Sloth in that Goonies movie?
b. You’re so fat that when you turn around your friend throw a welcome back party.
c. Your momma had to tie a porkchop around your neck so the dog would play with you.

Advanced Taunting
d. You’re Momma’s so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
e. Your Dad’s so hairy they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in his shower
f. I hear you're a Corporate Lawyer.

II. Resolving the Dispute

The second half of the class will focus on what to do once you have successfully escalated a situation, as you’re only half way to a favourable solution. There’s no point escalating a situation if you can’t translate that situation into a “win.” It's not luck that lets you walk out of that Parking Lot. We’ll be going through a systematic approach to a traditional resolving of an argument, exploring the different techniques and methods employed to great success in the past. While this is primarily a historical component, I remind you that the practicality and applicability of this section is the focus, and you will be tested accordingly. Such historical discussions will include:

1. Hockey Dads: Techniques learned in the Bleachers. How to harness the anger of a man living vicariously through his untalented son.
2. Debtor vs Creditor: An indepth look into the techniques of the Bananno Family, pioneers in the use of TDR.
3. The Canadian War of Independence (Why Canada will never excel at TDR): The Brits just let us go, and that's why we're so goddamed nice.

There will also be a special seminar contemplating s.265(3) of the Canadian Criminal Code: Remember the Phrase 'He was coming after me; I could see it in his eyes'.

III. Finals/Papers

Students have two options – they can either do a final or a term project. Should you chose the final, you will come to class at the end of term and draw a time out of the professors hand – whatever time is on the paper is when you will meet him/her by the monkey bars. you will engage in a calm discussion regarding a hypothetical neighbour's dog that keeps you up all night. You will be marked 45% on your ‘escalation’ and 55% on your ability to then win the dispute. As Professor Dwight Newman from the U of S is teaching the course, the highest mark to date has been 45%.

The term project does not require a lot of time, but you only get one chance, so it had better count. You must find a normally laid back person (who must be approved by Dwight) and enter into an impromptu TDR scenario with them. This scenario can take any form, from minor fender-bender to a loud party right next on a week night. You will be marked on a scale of difficulty, much like a rodeo rider – the more laid back the person, and the more trivial the argument, the higher the possibility for an A. Picking a rage-a-holic like Graham Lang will net you a very low grade. That guy just snaps.

IV Class Materials

1. Rocky II through IV, Rambo I&III – both the books and movies will be made available.
2. “Clint Eastwood Retrospective – The Greatest Traditional Dispute Resolver Ever?”.
3. “Bruce Lee & Asia’s considerable influence on North American TDR.”

This writer applauds a return to the tried tested and true methods of resolving grievances, and hopes the faculty will follow up with advanced classes in the years to come, such as International Traditional Dispute Resolution: A Look at the War in Iraq.